


I Had To Grow in the Cruelest Weather (Just To Stay Alive)

by FandomTrash24601



Series: Through the Mirror [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Don’t copy to another site, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleepwalking, it ends well i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 15:54:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18013835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomTrash24601/pseuds/FandomTrash24601
Summary: Bones is home, but everything isn't magically better.Title from a poem by Christy Ann Martine.





	I Had To Grow in the Cruelest Weather (Just To Stay Alive)

It had been about six months since Bones and Spock had returned to their own universe. Everything was different- from his relationships with almost everyone to his job. He'd wished desperately for everything to just go back to the way it had been before, but that was an impossibility.

He felt like he'd been demoted. He hadn't been, but almost everything he did now was paperwork, and because he hadn't been declared entirely psychologically fit for duty he wasn't allowed to leave the ship on away missions. It was a good thing he could still do general medical work, or else he'd be going stir-crazy. And general really did mean general, because Bones was no longer the one patching Jim up when he came back from away missions that had gone awry with a plethora of broken bones and and gashes.

That was the part that broke Bones' heart the most, that he had to trust the man he loved to another doctor. Nobody had thought to suggest that Jim be assigned a new doctor at first, because Bones caring for Jim when he was hurt was just how the universe worked. But then Jim had returned from an away mission with a badly broken wrist. The pain manifested on his face as a grimace, similar to Kirk's snarl, and Bones had locked himself in his office and vomited until he was choking on his own bile. That had been the beginning of Bones' pseudo-demotion, and Jim had been assigned to M'Benga after that.

Relationships-wise, it was as if everyone was walking on eggshells around him. They did their best to treat him normally, but they were all far too aware of the fact that he'd been through something traumatic enough that for months afterwards he'd been unable to be in the same room as Jim, his best friend, for very long without quite literally fleeing. He had become really close with Spock, though, which had been quite a surprise.

He liked to think he was coping fairly well, thanks to a Betazoid therapist that Starfleet had assigned to the _Enterprise_. Since Bones' role of therapist had been removed from his list of duties and he was badly in need of a therapist himself, the Starfleet brass had seen fit to assign one to the _Enterprise_ rather than take Bones off of the ship. He had a feeling that Jim and Spock had fought for him to be able to stay, but he hadn't been able to finagle an answer out of the Vulcan and he hadn't really spoken to Jim since he'd returned.

"Oh, hold the door!" Nyota said as she rushed towards the turbolift, pulling Bones abruptly from his thoughts.

"Mornin'," Bones said as Nyota stepped into the turbolift. She smiled gratefully at him.

"Good morning, Leonard," Nyota said. "How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine. And you?"

"I'm doing well."

"I... I hear you'll be attending the weekly senior staff meeting tomorrow for the first time since you've returned." Nyota tried her best to be gentle about the segway into a massively uncomfortable topic, but there was just no way to do it successfully.

Bones shifted awkwardly. "Yeah, I will."

"At the risk of breaching some sort of boundary-" He could tell that Nyota was picking her words delicately, and felt suspicion prickling up and down his spine. "-have you been in the same room as Jim for that long yet?"

Bones swallowed hard and felt his fingers twitch, desiring to curl into fists. He settled for curling his toes inside his shoes instead, and very carefully didn't look at her.

"No."

There was a long beat of silence, and when Bones glanced over at Nyota she was looking at him with sorrowful eyes. He sighed heavily and shook his head. A familiar irritation that came with being mollycoddled swelled in him, but he pushed it down.

"Ny..."

"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head. "I know the last thing you need is to be treated like a child. I'm sure that you and Dr. Ichei have been making great progress, and that you'll be able to handle the meeting tomorrow just fine, but-" She sighed heavily and set a soft hand on his arm. "-I can't help but worry, Leonard. You're my friend."

"Yeah," Bones said, lifting his hand to set it on top of hers, "I know. Thank you."

"Of course."

The doors opened to reveal Bones' floor, and he gave Nyota a small smile before stepping out of the turbolift. While it was irritating to be treated like he was going to shatter at any moment, it was a comfort to know that his friends really did care about him. He hadn't realized he had so many people who cared about him until he'd returned from that other universe, and it had been quite a shock.

"Good morning, Doctor," Christine greeted him when he stepped into sickbay. "How are you?"

"Good, and you?"

"Oh, I'm just fine. Say, is there any truth to the rumors I've heard about you attending the senior staff meeting tomorrow?"

Bones resisted the urge to sigh very heavily. Instead, he just pursed his lips and looked at her with his best 'I am very tired of your shit' look. If he was going to be answering that question all day, he was certainly going to just lock himself in his office with paperwork.

"Yes, I'm attending the senior staff meeting tomorrow," he said a little snappishly. "I'm still a part of the senior staff, even if everyone seems to have forgotten that."

"You know that that's not what I meant, you crabby bastard."

Bones' mouth twitched into a small smile. Christine's snark had been one of the things that he clung to most. When he was constantly surrounded by people who treated him like spun sugar, attitudes like Spock and Christine's were a welcome relief. Their snark was like a breath of fresh air, a reassurance that some people still saw him as a fully-functioning adult and competent doctor.

"I know," he told her, "but I'll be fine. Dr. Ichei and I have been making a lot of progress, and I'm never going to get my full position back if I never even try to be in the same room as Jim again." He glanced down at the floor when her eyes darted back over to him from where they'd been focused on a medical PADD. "Besides... I miss him. I want my best friend back, and this is one of the biggest steps towards that."

"I'm glad you're doing better," she said. When he looked up at her, she gave him a slightly sad smile. "You're not the only person who's missing someone. I miss my old boss and friend. But I'm getting him back."

Bones was stunned speechless for a moment. They didn't really address their friendship often, just like how he and Spock had once done their best not to acknowledge that they both found each other an admirable person and good friend. His relationship with Christine was less argumentative than his old relationship with Spock had been, but no less full to bursting with sharp wit and sarcasm.

"You know," he said, unsure how to respond, "in that other universe, you hated me. But it was just 'cause I was a massive dick. The other me murdered Geoff because he tried to kill me to take my job. Turned out, the other you was in love with him."

Christine laughed and turned away, but there was something just slightly off when she said, "Was I really? That's weird."

_Oh. Whoops._

"Anyways," Bones said, switching the topic, "it'll be a relief to resume some of my normal duties. Maybe it'll help me feel like the CMO again."

"Oh, please, everyone on this ship knows damn well that you're the CMO. You don't give them the chance to forget it."

"Damn right I don't. If I did, everybody'd be talking 'bout CMO M'Benga."

"No they wouldn't." Christine smiled and shook her head. "You're too much of a curmudgeon to be forgotten so easily."

"A curmudgeon, huh? I see how it is."

"I'm just telling the truth," Christine said, laughing.

The door swished open behind Bones' back and Christine's face fell some. Bones turned to see who it was, and found himself facing none other than Jim. The two of them just stared at each other for a few moments.

Jim didn't look great, if Bones was being honest with himself. He hadn't seemed to truly recover from the universe-swapping ordeal, which made two of them. While he was obviously physically fine, there were shadows under his eyes, indicating that he hadn't been sleeping well lately. A pang of concern spiked in Bones' chest alongside his irrational panic.

"Hey," Jim said quietly, licking his lips in a nervous gesture. He'd once explained that to Bones, back at the Academy. Bones had no clue what there was for Jim to be nervous about

"Hey," Bones replied.

There was an itching panic that was demanding he run from the threat in front of him, but he forcibly pushed it aside. He peered closely at Jim's face, at the lack of a scar there. It was something that he could focus on to help remind himself that he was looking at Jim and not Kirk. Bones and Dr. Ichei had been working on that for some time.

"Uh, captain," Christine began, "I can help you."

"No." Bones didn't know where the word came from, but it was out there, now. "No, I've got this."

"Okay," Christine said. Her eyebrows were furrowed with concern, but she backed off and let Bones lead Jim to a biobed.

"So what brought you down here?" Bones asked as Jim hopped onto the biobed.

He focused on the side of Jim's face, on his lack of a scar. This was _Jim_ , not Kirk. This was the boy who Bones had retched on and groused to, who had given him the horrendous nickname he'd taken to calling himself by, even if only mentally. This was the young man who had dragged Bones to all three Kobayashi Maru simulations and stayed up studying at all hours of the night for each attempt when he hardly even looked at his books for his other classes. This was the man who had listened to Bones' drunken ramblings and shared a few of his own, and who had looked so heartbroken at being left behind that Bones had smuggled him onboard. This was the best man that Bones had ever met, the best man he ever would. It was, as Spock would say, illogical to fear him.

"Uh..." Jim's legs were kicking gently back and forth, but his eyes were swimming across Bones' face like he was trying to memorize every detail of it. "I ran out of sleep aids," he finally confessed. "I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping recently, and so M'Benga prescribed me some, and they've sort of helped but I used my last one last night."

"'Sort of' sounds like an overstatement," Bones said, carefully scanning Jim. He glanced again at the bags under Jim's eyes, itching to touch instead of relying solely on instruments but unsure if Jim would allow any physical contact. "How much sleep have you been getting per night?"

"Can I just have the-"

Bones imagined containing his fear, pushing it inside of a little cage and hiding that cage far away. It helped enough for him to snap, almost feeling normal again, "I'm not just going to prescribe you drugs without knowing if they even help."

Jim sighed, his eyes falling temporarily shut. Bones knew that he knew that he wasn't going to win this. He finally opened his eyes and looked at Bones, exhausted lines carved into his face.

"About three hours."

"With the meds?"

"Yeah. Without them I don't tend to sleep more than an hour."

Bones scowled as he pulled up Jim's file. "M'Benga didn't prescribe you sedatives? Just sleep aids, even though they aren't even helping you that much?"

"No sedatives," Jim said vehemently. Bones flinched and then was just as quickly furious with himself. He'd been doing so well, but at least Jim hadn't seemed to notice it. He was staring off into space, a vaguely haunted look on his face. "He tried, but I wouldn't let him. I can't..." Jim swallowed and shook his head. "Not since the universe swap."

"It was that bad, huh?" Bones asked quietly, urging the tingling desire to run to remove itself from his limbs and return to its cage. "The toxin?"

"All of my worst nightmares," Jim whispered, his face shadowed darkly by something Bones couldn't see. "And they were so vivid."

"Maybe you should talk to Dr. Ichei," Bones suggested. "I've made a lot of progress with her."

Jim looked up from his knees to meet Bones' gaze. His eyes were shining like he was close to crying, and Bones couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Jim so distraught. He'd always been there to help Jim, but he hadn't been able to even look at Jim for too long over the past months.

"Have you?" he inquired, evading Bones' suggestion. "I hear you're attending the senior staff meeting tomorrow."

"I am," Bones affirmed. "I meant it when I said that Dr. Ichei and I have made progress. Hell, I'm in the same room as you, _talking_ to you, and I'm still doing okay."

Jim nodded. "That's good," he said. He smiled, although it was weak. "It's great that you're doing better." Bones kept silent as Jim paused, seeing how more words hovered just beyond his lips. "I've- I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, kid," Bones replied. He glanced down at Jim's chart. "Why don't we, uh, why don't we see about transferring you back to my care?"

Jim's eyes seemed to light up. "Really?"

Bones laughed, realizing that he wasn't all that scared of Jim anymore. Even his vaguely snappish response about sedatives had brought on only a flinch, and not a panic attack. It felt like a miracle.

"Really."

Bones was walking back to his room after his shift when he was interrupted by a, "Leonard!"

He turned and smiled at the woman who was hurrying down the hall to catch up with him. Her black hair was pulled back in a long, elaborate braid and her black eyes glimmered like ink with her excitement.

"What's up, doc?"

"I still have not watched Looney Tunes and don't understand your reference," Dr. Tevra Ichei informed him.

"You'll get around to it someday. Anyways, what's all the excitement for?"

"The captain has come to me in search of some therapy. He said that you were the reason he decided to come to me. Have you spoken with him?"

"I did." They began to walk again, but slowly. "He came into sickbay, and I decided to take him on. It went... It went really well, actually. He got snappish at one point, but I only flinched. I just remembered what you've told me and the stuff we've practiced, and everything went well. I'm even going to be talking to M'Benga about taking Jim back on as my patient." Bones looked over at Tevra, who was looking right back.

"This is good," Tevra said, smiling. "You are progressing very well."

"Tevra," Bones began, "I don't want to overstep any boundaries, but since he'll be my patient soon enough... Is he seeking help for his sudden reluctance in using hyposprays?"

Tevra's face fell and she nodded. "It hasn't been sudden, though, Leonard. He's refused to use a hypospray since he woke up after being poisoned."

"It was that bad, huh?" Bones laughed a little. "I can relate."

"I'm certain that you can." Outside his quarters, Tevra stopped him with a gentle hand on his arm. Her face was soft when he turned to look at her. "How would you feel about removing some appointments? We can meet twice a week, if that works."

"Yeah, that works." Bones smiled at her. "Do you want to meet tomorrow or the day after? I know you'll want to hear about the meeting."

"Oh, tomorrow." Tevra winked at him before beginning to walk back down the hall. "I want to hear about the senior staff meeting as soon as possible."

"Won't you be there?" he asked her, but she had already rounded a bend in the corridor and didn't reply.

Spock was in his room when he entered, which was a little weird. Normally, if either one of them was going to be in the other's room, it would be Bones in Spock's room. It had happened enough times since he'd gotten back, the sleepwalking that had led him to Spock's room and- to his great mortification the first time it had happened- into Spock's bed.

Spock hadn't minded. He'd said that it was an honor to be the one that Bones went to when he was sleepwalking. He'd also voiced concerns about a residual mental connection between them due to the mildly traumatic conditions of their melds while in the other universe, but they had been disproven months ago through another meld. There was no connection between them, Bones just felt safe enough with Spock to go to him while he was sleepwalking.

"Hey, Spock." Bones blinked at him in confusion. "Why are you in my quarters?"

"Jim told me of his visit to sickbay, but did not mention many details other than the fact that you did not suffer from a panic attack." Spock blinked at him, hands tucked neatly behind his back. "I desired to ensure that you are truly well."

Bones smiled and nodded, glad for Spock's consideration. "Yeah, I'm fine. Everything went really well. I might have a nightmare tonight, but-" He shrugged. "-I'll deal with that if it happens."

"When was the last time you suffered from a nightmare?" Spock asked, following a few feet behind Bones as he moved to the couch and sat down.

"Oh, I don't know," Bones said, patting the seat next to him. Spock sat down, but didn't lean back into the couch. Not that Bones had expected him to, anyways. "Five days ago, I think. And before that it was a full week. They're getting farther apart and more manageable all the time."

Bones looked over at Spock, sitting next to him in his quarters and genuinely wondering how he was doing. The entire situation seemed hilarious to Bones, suddenly, and he started to laugh. Spock frowned.

"What do you find so humorous?"

"It's just-" He shook his head, still laughing. "-if you'd told versions of us from a year ago what we'd be doing today, they'd think we were insane."

"I would certainly find myself puzzled," Spock agreed. "However, I find myself gladdened by our friendship."

"So do I." Bones grinned at Spock. "I never really noticed that you had a sense of humor before."

"Very few people do."

They were silent for a few moments before Bones spoke again. "I realized recently that I have no clue what Jim's experience was like at all."

"I have spoken with Jim," Spock said. "The experience was most difficult for him. His trust in you faltered, even though he knows rationally that it was not you who poisoned him."

"We're in the same boat there," Bones muttered.

"He also, like you, found himself missing you and yet unsure if you would be able to tolerate a reconnection."

Bones sighed, guilt settling in his chest. He _knew_ that it wasn't him that had fucked up his whole relationship with Jim. He knew that, and yet the guilt persisted. It made no sense and was completely unfair, because he was the one saddled with PTSD. Why should he feel guilty, too?

"And how have you been dealing with that whole torturing Chekov thing?" Bones asked. "I haven't asked you about that in a while."

"My progress in that area has been excellent. I do believe that I can safely claim that my troubles concerning Ensign Chekov are over."

"Spock, that's great!" Bones beamed at Spock. "Really, good for you." Halfway through the last word, Bones' mouth pried itself wide open in a massive yawn.

"I believe I should go," Spock said, standing. "Get some rest, doctor."

"Yeah," Bones said, standing and patting Spock on the shoulder as he passed him. "Yeah, you too. And don't give me that 'Vulcans don't need as much sleep as Humans' bullshit."

Spock's tone was slightly amused when he replied with a simple, "Yes, Doctor."

Not even thirty minutes later Bones found himself asleep. He didn't dream, but eventually found himself floating in a semiconscious haze. While he could hear people speaking, he couldn't fully understand what they were saying, still too unconscious to process the words.

"Spock, hey, I'm glad you're still awake."

"Vulcans need less sleep than Humans."

"And thank the stars for it, sometimes. Can we talk?"

There was a soft click, like a PADD being set down, and then, "Of course, Jim. Whenever you wish."

"I'm nervous about tomorrow. About Bones."

"Why? He informed me of his interaction with you yesterday in sickbay, and that both he and Dr. Ichei were pleased with how he reacted."

"I know, but..." A sigh. "I don't know if that was a fluke, if he'll freak tomorrow."

"Jim, Leonard's behavior may be within your circle of concern, but it is not within your circle of influence."

An amused, "Ah, the circles again, Spock?"

"They are useful, if you adhere to them."

"I just... I can't help but worry about him."

"I know, Jim."

Still uncomprehending the fact that there were people having a conversation in the room, Bones shifted some and buried his face a little deeper into the soft pillowcase, taking a deep breath as he did so. He could feel his body coming more awake, but still he wasn't quite there yet.

"What was that?"

"That was Leonard. He sleepwalks, and he comes to my quarters when he does so."

"I've never seen him do that." The voice was awed and sad. "Does this have anything to do with his PTSD?"

"Affirmative."

"Does he do it often?"

"Not anymore. Once he was able to sleep for more than an hour without screaming himself awake from nightmares, he sleepwalked nearly every night, but he has not done so very recently. I believe the last time that he sleepwalked was one week and two days ago."

"And that's not recent?"

"No, not particularly."

Bones shifted, his consciousness truly beginning to return. His body felt heavy, and he wanted nothing more than to sink into the sheets and let them envelop him.

"He's waking up," Jim stated quietly and entirely unnecessarily.

Bones blinked his eyes open and peered around Spock's quarters, then sighed heavily and brought a hand up to rub at his eyes. He always felt awkward, waking up in Spock's bed without remembering getting into it, but Spock had told him again and again that he didn't mind.

Still, Bones found himself offering Spock a sleep-rough, routine, "Sorry for just barging in and takin' your bed."

"I do not mind, Leonard," Spock said, equally as predictable.

Bones moved his gaze from Spock to Jim and said, just a little meek, "Hey, Jim."

"Hey, Bones," Jim replied, his voice equally as hushed. "Uh... so you sleepwalk?"

"Mhmm. 'Cause of the PTSD. End up in Spock's room, somehow."

"It is far more flattering than awkward," Spock said, and Bones pretended that they weren't both thinking about the first time, when McCoy ended up plastering himself up against Spock's side as they slept in an embarrassingly intimate position.

Jim nodded, the motion a little jerky, and said, "Well, I'm glad you've got somewhere to go instead of just wandering the ship."

"What're you doin' here at midnight?" Bones asked Jim, his brain coming further back online with every second and his body prepping to flee.

Jim shrugged and said, "Couldn't sleep. I figured if anyone was going to be up and available for me to pester, it'd be Spock."

"Oh," Bones said. "Makes sense." He tossed back the blankets and sat up, scowling down at his uniformed body. His pajamas were far comfier. "I'll be gettin' back now, so when Spock sleeps-" And this was delivered with a sharp look at the Vulcan- "he'll have a bed to do it in."

"I promise you that I will sleep, Leonard."

"You'd better," Bones grumbled, and made sure to finger comb his hair before nodding at both Spock and Jim. "G'night."

Back in his own quarters, Bones stripped off the uniform he'd put on while asleep to migrate to Spock's room. He found his pajamas cast on to the bottom of his bed and pulled them on before flopping into bed with an exhausted sigh.

The next morning, Bones walked down the hall towards the debriefing room with hands that he refused to acknowledge trembled just slightly. He was excited to be attending senior staff meetings again, but the fear of some sort of relapse was ever-present, plaguing Bones and lurking in the back of his mind.

The general hubbub of conversation met Bones' ears when he entered the room, and then a moment absolute silence fell like a thick curtain. Bones faltered for half a step before steeling himself and stepping fully into the room. Then just as quickly, the conversation picked up again. Bones settled into his chair with a soft sigh, and glanced over at Nyota on his right.

"Good morning," she said quietly, smiling at him.

He gave her a small smile in return and said, "Mornin'."

Jim was the last to show up, and he grinned at everyone before settling into his seat at the head of the table. His gaze lingered for a moment on Bones, but neither of them acknowledged it.

He leaned back in his chair and declared, "Good morning, my beautiful and dedicated staff! What exciting things have happened in the past week as we've been making our way uninterrupted through empty space?"

There was a sudden warming in Bones' chest, and he began to think that maybe everything would turn out just fine.

* * *

Nearly four months later, everything was almost back to normal. Bones had been cleared for duty, and the only duty he'd had previously that was now missing was Tevra's job as the ship psychologist. He didn't particularly miss that job, though, and was glad to hand those responsibilities off to her.

Bones' fear of Jim was almost completely gone, and they were back to hanging out as often as they could. It was a relief to hang out with Jim, and not just because it was a time when he could just relax. It was a relief because he _could_ hang out with Jim, because he could make it through multiple hours of laughing and drinking without wanting to flee. There some awkward moments, sure, and he still had nightmares, but he was mentally sound and able to relax once more around his best friend and the man he loved.

"Jim," Bones said, taking a sip of his replicated beer. It tasted like shit, but he didn't want to get drunk.

"Yeah?"

Jim was reclined on the small couch in his quarters, his own beer in hand. He was only a foot or so on Bones' left, but the distance between them seemed vast, considering what it once had been.

"You never shared what happened to you during the swap, did you?"

"I talked a bit about it to Spock," Jim offered evasively, taking another swig of his beer.

"What could possibly have happened to make you clam up about it?" Bones asked, frowning. "It ain't like you got tortured."

"No," Jim agreed, slightly awkwardly. "It isn't. Until the hypo incident, everything was fine. I suppose it's just been upsetting to me that I didn't realize that he wasn't you, that he fooled everyone so well."

"Spock's your friend too," Bones said. "Almost as close of a friend as I am. You don't seem weirded out that you didn't catch him, though."

"I, uh, I didn't end up... end up, uh... sleeping with the other Spock?"

Bones almost dropped his beer, then set it down on the coffee table as shock caused his mind to go blank. He blinked at Jim a few times, who was fiddling with his beer and very firmly not looking at Bones, and opened his mouth. He shut it again, unable to conjure any words. His mind felt like an old-fashioned buffering symbol, an endlessly rotating circle.

"Come again?" Bones finally asked.

"I... I slept with the other you," Jim confessed, his leg bouncing rapidly and his face a bright red.

"You slept-?" Bones sat up straight and scowled at Jim. "You _slept_ with him? Good God, man, what the hell could convince you to do that? The man's a monster. He came from the same hellish universe I got trapped in, and just from his track record he's as dangerous as you, if not more so!"

Jim set his beer down abruptly and stood, taking a couple steps away from the couch and then stopping, his hands on his hips and his back facing Bones. Terrified, confused, and pissed off at Jim's recklessness in equal measure, Bones stood too. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he could feel that the scowl sitting on his face was one of his more impressive ones.

"Hey," Bones snapped. "I'm talking to you! Don't just turn your back and ignore me!"

Head bowed, Jim mumbled something so quietly that Bones couldn't hear it. Bones took a deep breath to try and calm himself, panicky defensiveness swirling around inside of him. If the other him had used some sort of poison, like an aphrodisiac... He didn't think he'd ever be able to forgive himself for doing such a thing to Jim, even if it wasn't truly him who had done it.

"Jim," Bones said in his best 'I'm-a-badass-doctor-so-listen-to-me' voice. "I have no fucking clue what you just said."

Jim whirled around, his face splotchy and his eyes such a vivid blue that Bones was taken aback for a moment, panic rising in him. He forced his legs to remain still, unwilling to lose any ground in this argument even if his PTSD was begging him to listen to it, telling him that this was Kirk and not Jim. Bones focused on the side of his face in a desperate grab for composure.

_It's not Kirk, there's no scar, it's not Kirk..._

"I said," Jim began through gritted teeth, "I slept with him because I thought that he was you."

And all at once the fight and the fear seemed to drain from Bones, like pus from a grossly oversized pimple. He let his arms drop, and his drastic mood shift must've shown on his face, because Kirk's position also became far less defensive, his face shifting back to one that Bones knew.

"What?" Bones finally asked, confusion still causing his mind to skip and stutter.

"I-" Jim took a deep, slow breath, and then said quietly, sounding sad and defeated, "I only slept with him because I thought that he was you, Bones."

"Why?" Bones asked, hoping that something in his mind would click soon and he'd stop asking simple, one-word questions like a parrot.

"What do you mean?"

"Why would you want to sleep with me? I mean, I ain't anything special. If you wanted to sleep with someone, you'd think you'd go for more attractive people, like-"

"No," Jim said. He swallowed hard and shook his head. "I didn't- I didn't sleep with you because 'why not,' or because you're attractive."

Bones was dumbfounded. "Then-?"

"I'm in love with you," Jim whispered, and the moment that the confession was out of his mouth his eyes darted from Bones', searching the rest of the room as if trying to find a way out of their conversation.

"Me?" Bones asked. "You're in love with- with me?"

"Yeah." Jim's arms were around his chest now, like a protective gesture. He shrugged, his eyes dropping to the floor. His voice was small when he said, "Have been for a while. I just... I never got up the courage. I was too scared to ruin what we had, and then one day you were telling me, 'Hey, Jim, by the way, I love you,' and it was like everything I'd ever wished for was right there for me to grab. So I grabbed it. Turned out it wasn't real." Jim scowled and blinked rapidly, his eyes shining.

"It is," Bones said tentatively. "It- It can be."

Jim looked up at Bones, his still-wet eyes shining with confusion. "What?"

"I love you too," Bones said, feeling breathless with the ease of his speech. It was not only that but a weight off of his chest, a long-overdue confession.

"You do?" Jim breathed, his face twitching hopefully.

Bones let out a laugh and nodded, tears springing to his eyes. "Yeah. For years. I was too scared to tell you. I didn't want to ruin what we had either, so I just kept quiet."

Jim laughed breathlessly and took one cautious step towards Bones, then another. "Can... Can I..."

"Yeah." Bones reached out and tugged Jim gently towards him, whose eyes were so, so wide. "Yeah, darlin', you can kiss me."

Jim reached up to clutch his face with shaking hands and then leaned forward to gently kiss Bones. His lips were chapped, but it was the best kiss that Bones had ever had, soft and sweet. He laid his hands on Jim's waist, rubbing his thumb back and forth over Jim's shirt, and felt Jim tremble against him.

"Part of the reason I was so distressed about everythin' that happened during the switch is 'cause Kirk looked just like you," Bones confessed quietly. "I looked at him and I was scared of him and I hated him, and I thought, 'I can't let him corrupt this. I can't let him destroy my feelings for Jim.'"

"It seems like he did, a little."

"Just a little," Bones agreed, his voice brushing the verge of breaking, but not quite getting there.

He tugged Jim back into another gentle kiss. The pressure was light, but the emotions behind the kiss were intense, and Bones felt as if he might just collapse any moment from the sheer scale of what he was feeling. Jim seemed to be experiencing something similar, if the way he just about sagged into Bones' arms was any indicator.

"I love you," Jim breathed, resting their foreheads against each other. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, darlin'."

Jim let out a sigh and pulled back just far enough that Bones could focus on his eyes, the near-fluorescent shade of them. They were aglow with joy, but also with a sense of disappointment.

"That's how I should've known," he said quietly.

"What?"

"The other you called me sweetheart, not darlin'." A shadow fell across Jim's face.

"Jim, darlin'," Bones urged, ensuring that he used the endearment that Jim loved so much, "you gotta stop beating yourself up about it. I'm here now."

Jim's eyes focused on Bones again, and he smiled. It was so soft that Bones could could himself almost melting from it, and he tried his best to keep a besotted look from stealing over his face. He failed, as he knew he would, but his failure only reflected itself in Jim's face; the further softening of his eyes and the pleased tilt of his smile.

"You're here now," Jim echoed softly, nodding and pulling Bones into another kiss. When they separated, eyes still closed and foreheads touching, he breathed again, "You're here."

The road ahead of them was going to be rocky. Bones knew this. They were and would be dancing across a glass sheet, he and Jim, the fragile plane below them only thing keeping them from drowning in their trauma. With each day it got thicker, but there was always the possibility that one of them would step wrong and fracture the glass.

That was okay, though. As long as they didn't let go of each other then they'd be fine, and Bones had no intention of ever letting go of Jim.

"We'll be fine," Bones murmured, letting the atmosphere around them grow cozy and close. "We'll be great."

And they were.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm so glad that you guys have stuck with me throughout this process, and I hope that you all enjoyed the final installment of this series!


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